There are two things you should know about me if you’re going to understand this post. 1. I hate being wrong, and 2. I can’t stand to fail. So basically, being human is very difficult for me. I’m thinking about starting a support group for humans … now how to find members …
These two engrained personality flaws are two-edged in a slightly maddening way. Without them, I wouldn’t be forced to daily overcome the mountain that is myself thus building character. With them, I’m constantly having to force myself out of my own way in order to do things that are easy for other people—and I don’t mean difficult feats that only superheroes can accomplish, i.e. flying. I mean things like forcing myself to go to social gatherings and make small talk with people. Give me a hide-the-title-so-no-one-can-see-how-girly-it-is book and some solitude any day over constant smiling and attempts at jokes that no one else gets (which is ridiculous because I’m obviously bringing out my best stuff, making me the most hilarious person there).
I honestly have to mentally prepare for social occasions. For instance, if I’m planning on a night in with Ben & Jerry and my Gilmore Girls and someone suddenly texts me for an impromptu social outing involving more than three people, I immediately start panicking and feeling overwhelmed. Just the pre-anxiety over the act of socializing exhausts me, and that’s before factoring in the getting ready, checking the budget, meeting up and being on time part! I know—it is dumb! But that’s me.
Now that you understand the neuroses that form the obviously-stable foundation of my behavior, let’s proceed. I was just recently employed in my first full-time, salaried, big-girl, career-starting job. While I love it—especially the people I work with—it is a huge learning experience. Every day I’m being taught something new and shifting how I work and learn. It’s a huge period of growth for me, and I recognize that it is awesome!
However (you knew that was coming), because I hate being wrong and failing this is also a very difficult time for my natural personality. I’m constantly asking questions, verifying facts, getting things wrong and wondering when I’m going to get it right. All of those things fight against what I’m naturally comfortable doing. I don’t want to ask questions—I want to know the answers. I don’t want to get things wrong—I want to do them right the first time and to be the best at whatever it is I’m doing.
Life doesn’t let you skip past the hard parts to the instant success we want.
Don’t worry, I hate it too. That’s why I have to constantly remind myself that the getting-it-wrong part is vital to the being-successful part. All the times I fail, all the times I try and have to redo something, all the times I misunderstand what was required of me—all of these times are shaping me, making me resilient.
God doesn’t just give us the whole package. Yes, He loves to bless us, but He also loves a willing heart and a working heart. He loves when we trust Him even when we fall down. He loves hearing praise in the midst of our failures. He loves when we love Him enough to give our best over and over and over again. Isn’t that what He does for us?